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Bible jokes, not offensive,

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Old 05-19-2009, 11:46 AM
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Smile Bible jokes, not offensive,

Bible Jokes

First Day
God: “Whew! I just created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.”
Angel: “What are you going to do now?”
God: “I’m tired, let’s just call it a day.”

The Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”
The lady replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”
He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”
She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”
He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”
The lady said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.”
“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.
“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

“I know what the Bible means!”

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”
His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”
The son replied, “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “So, Son, what does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.’

Bible Riddles

Q: Who was the first stockbroker in the Bible?
A: Noah. He floated his stock, when everyone else was in liquidation.

Q: Where is the first car mentioned in the Bible?
A: “These all continued with one accord in prayer and supplication, ...”—Acts 1:14

Q. Who played the first game of tennis in the Bible?
A. Joseph, when he served in Pharaoh’s court.

Q: Who were the three shortest men in the Bible?
A: Knee-high Miah (Nehemiah), Bildad the shoe-height (Shuhite), and the Roman Centurian who fell asleep on his watch.

Adam and Eve
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, just an apple.

Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.

Q: How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were really put out.

Q: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
A: It’s Christmas, Eve!

Q: Why was Adam a famous runner?
A: Because he was first in the human race.

Q: What do we have that Adam never had?
A: Ancestors.

Q: Why was Adam created first?
A: To give him a chance to say something.

Q: When was the longest day in the Bible?
A: The day Adam was created because there was no Eve.

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: He didn’t want any advice.

Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.

Q: Why didn’t Noah go fishing?
A: He only had two worms!

Q: What kind of lights was on Noah’s ark?
A: Floodlights.

The Pastor

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy’s position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child’s shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child’s level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, “And now what, my little man?” To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”


A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.” The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”

Sunday School

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

True Stories …...

A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: “Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name? And another four-year-old prayed: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often “adopted” by a family. One such young officer, a Lieut. Commander, kind-of became an Uncle to the family’s only 4 year old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke. This same little girl, was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, “Oh, that’s Pontius, the pilot.”

You didn’t believe in me

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

When We Get What We Pray For

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday School. As she ran, she prayed. “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late. Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late” .... at that moment she tripped and fell, getting her clothes dirty.
She got up, brushed herself off and started running again, praying, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late…but DON’T SHOVE me anymore!”

Father’s Day

If you think about it, Adam would have had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day.
I mean, what do you get somebody who is Everything ?

New Baby from Heaven

Little Johnny’s new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, “Where’d we get him?”
His mother replied, “He came from heaven, Johnny.”
Johnny says, “WOW! I can see why they threw him out!”
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Old 05-30-2009, 08:53 PM
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nice, thanks
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Old 09-14-2009, 02:54 PM
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Default 7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute, as soon as I finish my drawing.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
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